so... I have this problem...

I have something that's been on my mind for quite some time, and I now find myself at an impasse. It's really something that has been affecting every aspect of my life, and I don't think I can be at peace until I've figured out a solution to my long-standing problem... why hasn't Jake Gyllenhaal realized that I exist yet? I thought I met him a long time ago in Charlottesville, after a concert. We talked about all the awesome bands we both liked. He was really hot - hovering over me as I leaned against the cold brick wall, our tired glazed eyes staring intently into the other's. Then I saw him in the light and realized that I was wrong. What a cruel joke. I wasn't talking to Jake Gyllenhaal; I was talking to some fifth year civil engineering undergrad. Lame. No wonder he looked all confused when I asked him about Atticus.

So... I am zero percent interested in celebrities, but I heard somewhere that he's single again??? Well Jakey poo, guess who else is too! The timing couldn't be more perfect! I have 4 days of work this week, then I'm on vacay til May 3. I think I'll spend that time plotting ways to get myself on his radar without seeming like a creepy stalker. Maybe I can take up acting and audition for a movie he's going to be in. But that would require talent, which I lack. Oh wait, that's not right... I forgot Keanu Reeves is famous; I guess there's hope for me yet! Maybe I can be one of those youtube phenoms, and get 43M hits in one day, and someone will send him the link, and he'll watch and immediately exclaim, "MY SEARCH IS OVER! I'VE FOUND MY FUTURE WIFE!"

Great plan. This will work.

And just so you don't feel as though I've just wasted 3 minutes of your life and made you more dumb, I'll try to redeem myself by letting you know that it's the 50th anniversary of the failed Bay of Pigs invasion. That was in Cuba. Fidel Castro. JFK. The prez, not the airport.